10 Reasons You Can’t Get Married in Kindergarten

Lira’s about to graduate from Kindergarten, which can only mean one thing… it’s time to get married! At least, that’s what some of the boys in her class seem to think. I mean, she did get her ears pierced so she’s all grown up and it only makes sense- right?

When I was her age, I used to chase boys around the playground singing Kenny & Dolly’s “Islands in the Stream,” but I didn’t actually want to marry them. I just wanted to profess my undying love. No one in between… how can we be wrong? Sail away with me…

One boy, who felt our connection, picked apart a daddy longleg and eat it one leg at a time to prove his manliness. That’s real love.

But kids these days just want to rush things. Lira comes home with “so-and-so wants to marry me,” or “so-and-so tried to kiss me,” every other day. Dave and I just look at each other, terrified.

Since Lira can’t fit into my wedding dress yet, we had to nip this thing in the bud. On a recent hike through Cabin John, we had a serious conversation about why she can’t marry the latest boy who wants to tie the knot with her.

We told her there were at least 10 reasons that was a bad idea. And Ms. Sassy Pants needed to hear all 10 of them. Here’s what we came up with.

1. He still lives at home with his parents.
2. He doesn’t have a job.
3. He hasn’t even graduated.
4. He wanted to marry your friend last week.
5. His friend also wants to marry you (and that’s just awkward).
6. He didn’t give you a ring. (come on Lira, haven’t I taught you anything?)
7. He hasn’t asked for our blessing.
8. She doesn’t have enough money in her piggy bank to pay for the wedding.
9. The divorce rate is extremely high for marriages between six year olds.
10. He tried to kiss you and hasn’t even asked you on a date—that’s just ungentlemanly.

Lira giggled harder at each one on the list, and I think we bought ourselves some time. No wedding bells until at least 2014. Whew…

Did I miss any reasons? Let me know in the comments section.