Cranky In Clarendon

I don’t understand what the big deal is about Clarendon. Sure, there are some cool restaurants, but I just can’t get excited about a place whose town center involves Pottery Barn and The Cheesecake Factory.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a Starbucks latte as much as the next mom, but after living in DC it all feels so generic. If I sound like a pretentious a**hole, I apologize, but I just got back from the Clarendon Whole Foods and it wasn’t a pleasant experience.

First of all, there’s never any parking. I had forgotten about this when I decided on this Whole Foods instead of the one in DC. Haven’t you people heard of a parking garage? It may take half an hour to drive two miles in DC, but at least when you get there you can park. I circled Clarendon three times before finding a space three blocks away from the store. Hiking, while lugging groceries in the rain with a cast on, isn’t my idea of a fun time.

By the way, there are plenty of grocery stores on the Hill (Harris Teeter at Jenkins Row is my fave), but this was a special trip to stock up for my vegan cleanse. One hour and $173 dollars later, I headed home with my tiny bag of groceries and a few observations about Clarendon.

• The dogs are friendlier in DC. My friend, Caroline, tried giving one a treat and he turned up his nose at her. Sorry if it wasn’t organic and vegan, Buddy!
• Every woman there either just got out of yoga class or is about to go to a yoga class… either that or yoga pants are the new jeans.
• There are no Black people here. Or Hispanics, for that matter. Now that I think about it… I didn’t see an Asian anywhere either.
• Random streets are blocked off for no apparent reason. I’m pretty sure nobody is going to get hit by a car because nobody in Clarendon ever walks when the sign says not to. Psh… rule followers.

Something just doesn’t feel right. It’s like The Truman Show. No sidewalk has a crack. No person has a pimple—I think the one I had disappeared as soon as I found a parking space. I should like a place like this, because what’s not to like?! But I don’t.

If you haven’t watched GoRemy’s Arlington Rap, do it now. You’re welcome.

As I walk to my front door with my vegan goods, I grab the empty bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 hanging in my bushes. When are these thugs going to start recycling?