A new baby brings coos and cuddles. But before you know it… you’ve got to go back to work. And that means you’ve got to find childcare.
My plan is to keep Lorik out of daycare (and the cooties that come with it) for as long as possible, so I got a Care.com membership and started searching for a short-term nanny.
So many nannies of all shapes and sizes! The emails started coming—about a hundred within a week. Here are some of my favorite applicants, and by favorite I mean the ones who made me want to crawl into a hole and question humanity.
- The nanny who doesn’t like crybabies. “If your baby cries for more than 5 minutes I will call you.”
- The nanny who wants to shake your baby. “When a baby can’t stop crying I just shake them.” Should I email her a public service announcement?
- The nanny who didn’t read the job description. “I will teach your kid to ride a bike, help with their homework and coloring, and take them on playdates.” Good because I was really sick of Lorik being the last baby to learn to ride his bike.
- The nanny who laughs when you tell them what you can afford to pay. That happened.
- The nanny who’s oh-so-sexy. I mean, I like sequins and short skirts just as much as the next girl, but maybe don’t use that photo for your nanny profile. We all know about Jude Law, Ethan Hawke and the Governator.
- The nanny who had her friend call me because she doesn’t like to talk on the phone. Yeah ok, who does anymore? But what if there’s an emergency?!?
- The nanny who likes convenience. “This really works well for my schedule,” is not the most convincing reason I’d leave you with my precious baby. Especially when it’s the only reason you can come up with.
- The nanny who pretended to be someone else. When I called to check her reference, the woman on the other end of the line sounded strikingly similar to the nanny applicant. Because they were the SAME PERSON.
I haven’t been on the dating scene in a while, but if Match.com is anything like Care.com, the world is in trouble. Yet somehow… I found a unicorn. Someone who loves Lorik almost as much as I do, no matter how many times he screams in her face, throws up on her and poops in her hand.
And I’m not even going to mention the fact that she buys me coffee, takes beautiful photos of my baby and color codes my bookcases. Oh and she’s always early. And she’s just the most loving and kind young woman I’ve ever met. I kind of want to adopt her, but I don’t think you can do that with 23 year olds.
I’m not back at work full-time yet—just going in for meetings and working part time from home. And when my unicorn goes to nursing school in January, it’s back to the drawing board. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that there won’t be too many more nanny don’ts to add to the list, but I wouldn’t be surprised.